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New and in need of advice

Hi There, I have just joined this forum as I was told it may be good to speak to people about my situation :) I hope this is the right way to go about this..... i'm sure I'll soon find out.

I received a bone barrow transplant in April 2013. I was diagnosed in May 2012 with Hodgkins Lymphoma, a what I was lead to believe, 'simple' dose of chemo for a relitavely common cancer. Unfortunately after 3 different chemo's, I was told that my body was not responding and that i would need a BMT. At the time I started I was 27. I am now 30.

The BMT knocked me sideways, I was extremely unwell and at one point was not sure if I was going to make it. When I was finally released from hospital, it took me a good 8-10 months to start feeling normal again, being able to walk, smell, socialise but now, just over 2 years post transplant I have started working full time again in a new role and am back to life as it once was.... almost.

Without going in to too much detail, I suffered quite an ordeal and although at the time, I got on with things as I knew I had to, I feel now they are starting to creep up on me. I constantly worry about everything, I look for the worst in all situations and I stress myself out constantly about things that may or may not happen. My anxiety is through the roof and I sometimes feel like i'm going mad. I dont seem to be able to just enjoy things for what they are, I constantly over think and analyse things to a point where sometimes I cannot watch the TV because I read too much into every story line.
My life is good, I have a lovely boyfriend who I met after and we are coming up to a year and a half together and have moved in. A new job which im thoroughly enjoying and an amazing family so I have no reason to feel down. I do enjoy myself and am very appreciative of how far i've come but I do feel that when I am left along with my own thoughts, it's like the devil is at work. My self esteem is rock bottom and although a confident person, I worry about socialising or if I've been somewhere with a large crowd, I go over it in my head and negatively put myself down for things I may have done or said.

Has anyone else come up against anything like this? Especially so long after the BMT. I am driving myself mad wondering if this is the trauma catching up with me or if it is something completely unrelated.

Thanks x


  • Hi Amy,

    I had my BMT not long before you in January 2013 and can relate to every word you've said regarding the treatment, (which also knocked me sideways) and the lengthy recovery, which sounds to have been a similar length of time to yours. Also like you I've recently gone back to work full time having been on 'light duties' for the past 18 months.

    I have to say I also get wound up at certain things at times, but I was possibly like that before all of this! Most of the time though I try not to let things get to me, and remind myself there are worse things that could happen. I try to remember every day how lucky I am to be still hear and relatively healthy, and thinking about the alternative sometimes gives me a reality check.

    You've been through quite an ordeal as most of us here have and nobody but us probably realises how tough it is, but the important thing is that you have come through it successfully and that might help you to relax when you feel things are getting on top of you.

    You're right to be apprehensive, but as long as you feel healthy and are avoiding infections I would say just try to enjoy life and see if you can get back to as close as normal as you can. By all means share your thoughts with others, particularly if it is certain things that worry you. Maybe others worry about the same things but have a way of overcoming those apprehensions, so they may be able to help.

    All the best,

  • Hi Steve, Thanks for your reply. I am working on things slowly and I agree, I often wonder if I was like this before but sometimes I really forget how life was before all of this.

    A positive attitude is always a good start :) Have a lovely weekend.
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